It seems like they last for days, these little bouts of desperate exasperation. I never like to admit that there is something wrong with me. In my mind, and I'm sure in most people's minds, there is a block, a mental obstacle that prevents certain truths from being revealed. This sneaky suspicion has been building for some time. This happens when you are a paranoid hypochondriac. You think about all these things that could be wrong. The difference between me and most is that I am content to just think I have these things. I don't let them affect my daily life, but they are there. I'm finally coming to terms with a problem I've known about for a while but only recently accepted. I think weed is bad for me. Are you shocked? Probably not. But when I say this I don't mean the trite phrase: "It makes you lazy, it's a gateway drug, blah blah blah." I've read enough about weed to know its effects, and I'm confident enough in my beliefs to know that it's not a gateway drug for me. In fact, the fact that weed feels so good has kept me from TRYING other drugs. But, and it's strange to say this out loud, I can feel it almost constrictively. It mostly applies when I'm cold or nervous, but I've noticed a tendency to have almost uncontrollable muscle spasms. I have to regulate my breathing rhythm and concentrate on my body to maintain it, but I can't speak without a tremor in my voice. It's been cold in GA lately, but I've noticed that doesn't always happen. About a month ago I started looking at patterns, trying to spot a problem, and I'm pretty sure everything is fine at this point. It didn't help that I constantly lost my train of thought in conversations. One of the most embarrassing things is finding yourself halfway through a sentence and not being able to remember what comes next or... halfway through the paper... not being a demon again. And even though it's been fun, I find myself wondering why continue? I haven't touched a single project at home lately and I've let the apartment get dirty as hell. I keep everything collected but you don't want to know how long it's been since we last vacuumed. So, all this to say, I think I'll quit smoking very soon. One of the frustrating things before was that I would quit without smoking one last time with that guy, etc. So I want to do it right this time and get it out of the way before I quit. It doesn't help that weed is decriminalized in Colorado, but it's not about a job or a place. This is my preference and I want to stop before I go. If it turns out I'm comfortable smoking in CO, so be it, but I'm done here. Which is good. This is what I keep telling myself and every time I read this post, I hope it reminds me.